Full-Time Training - Testimonies

Less Than the Least, Jennifer Lee

I have been a Christian for almost as long as I can remember. I accepted the Lord into my heart when I was four or five years old. It wasn't, however, until I was 12 that the Lord became real to me. I discovered for myself how rich the Lord could be. My heart was set afire to pursue Him. But somehow the rebellion that hits many in their teens hit me, even in my relationship with the Lord. Just as I'd made a conscious choice to pursue Him, I made a conscious choice that I couldn't pursue Him. I felt I didn't have it in me to be good and so I took the broad way.

Years went by and I achieved many things that I worked hard for. According to my friends, I had every reason to be happy. But deep within I knew that I didn't belong to the world. I never felt that I quite fit in. I remember finally giving in to my mom's pleading to talk to the Lord, to say anything to Him. One night in desperation I said, “Lord, I don't know if You're there and I don't know anything anymore. But if You want anything to do with me, You're going to have to do everything because I am not going to do anything at all.” As obstinant as this prayer was, it was just the crack the Lord needed to break through my hardened heart. Thus began the chipping away at my heart, not through anger and demand, but through wonderful charming love (Song of Songs 1:2). Slowly my desires changed and my plans changed through no effort of my own, but just from being in love with my Lord. I experienced, finally, that what I had run away from years before--being good--was not what the Lord was after. He is not after outward performance, but after organic change, compelling us through love. Over a year and a half my life course was adjusted from becoming a famous media studies professor to coming to the Full-Time Training in Anaheim (FTTA). Last summer, I knew my unquenchable desire for the Lord and the truth could only be met in the FTTA.

As much as I wanted this, however, I felt that there was no way the FTTA would accept me. Why would anyone want to accept a formerly angry, rebellious kid at the Full-Time Training? I am still pleasantly surprised that I was accepted. It seemed they felt that my past track record was much less important than the current state of my heart. Now I am in the most wonderful, blessed place on earth. I am here not by my qualifications or my good deeds, but because of the Lord's mercy. I praise and thank the Lord for blessing me above and beyond anything I could have asked or deserved.

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